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Question: Do i invite my mean future mother-in-law to a wedding she doesn't approve of?

(Posted by: verachick16 on 2012-02-03 19:04:30)

Building on my previous wedding question, I have one detail that I've been trying to avoid because frankly, it's uncomfortable. At the time of the wedding, my fiance and I will have been together for close to five years. Before I even said a peep, she hated me. At first, I assumed it was because she thought I might be taking her little boy away, so I remained patient and polite. I even tried researching her culture (she isn't from here) and bought her a bracelet. Not only would she not accept it, but she would not give it back. It really breaks my heart because I love her son so very much, and would treat her so well if she would just let me. Since she's openly disapproving and makes nasty comments about me, so should I invite her to the wedding? I don't want to ruin my special day. Honest opinions and comments are very appreciated! I wanna do the right thing. Thanks. Just so everyone knows, I did NOT ask for the bracelet back. My fiance just told me that she basically threw it off to the side instead of politely giving it back. Might I ask why I sound immature? I really want her to like me... :( Actually..my fiance does NOT want her there, but I agree that not inviting her will only give her more to complain about. I just don't know if I can convince my fiance to invite her?

Posted by: jct_pp on 2012-02-03, 20:18:35

If your fiance doesn't want her there, and neither do you then i suggest he has a word with her. Say that she can either come with good grace, and treat you civilly (ok he cant make her love you, but that any mean comments will *not* be tolerated) but if she cannot manage to do that then it is best for her to stay away. Do this now. Then every time she thinks its ok to have a pop at you...have your fiance simply say "you dont speak to my future wife like that "...and walk away.. This relies on him being willing to do that but seems he is. I dont think you should try to convince him to invite her. If you have made every effort and she is still like this ...then she is unlikely to change. Once you get married your fiance is your family, now she has the choice to be part of that family (mother in law, future grandmother) or keep to herself and die a miserable old lonely crone. Youre being WAY too nice. Conclusion - she behaves, or she doesnt come. EDIT - i have tried the 'killing with kindness' thing before. epic fail. sounds a great idea in principle, until you spend vast amounts of time being lovely to someone who treats you as less than a bag of dog poop. Doesnt change anything except stress levels (yours)

Posted by: Eveline on 2012-02-03, 19:19:57

We have been married for almost 12 years and I am neither tight with my mother or my sister in law. Take this from me, let the man decide. If he wants her there just smile and wave. I have been bitching about my in-laws forever and all it did was put my husband in a rock and a hard place. Don't worry, he will eventually find out that she is an ass. Just make sure that you never disrespect the woman, stay always kind, because when the shit hits the fan you will look like an innocent angel. They will have nothing on you or to point their fingers on. I feel for you, I have sworn to marry an orphan in my next life.

Posted by: uuchurchlady on 2012-02-03, 19:20:16

No matter if she is the wicked witch from Snow white you invite her to "the " wedding. It is not yours but yours and your fiances party. It might be that she finds you immature and not good enough for her son and she might be right judging from what you have said here.

Posted by: *Blush* on 2012-02-03, 19:56:59

Honestly, you should still at least invite her, especially if your fiancé wants her there (which I'm assuming he does). I've known people like that, and the best way to break them is to kill them with kindness >:) she will have a reason to complain if you don't send an invitation and could hold it against you for the rest of your lives. I would invite her and claim to be so honoured and happy if she would come. People who hate you for absolutely no reason, even when you are still super nice to them, eventually start to feel guilty and soften up. It can take time though, so be patient = )

Posted by: MM on 2012-02-03, 20:02:18

It's her son's special day, too, sweetie. How does he feel about not having his mother there? And even if he's okay with it, are you prepared to throw away any chance of her ever liking you because you didn't get the reaction you wanted to your present? See, the thing is, you can't make other people like you. All you can do is model the way you'd like to be treated by being respectful to them - unless they're a genuine threat to your well-being, in which case you stay away. Maybe her "nasty comments " rise to that level, but be sure you've made every effort to rise above them before you declare the situation hopeless. Because otherwise, you could be looking at decades of miserable relations with your in-laws (and possibly your husband) just because you couldn't focus on the really important things for one day.

Posted by: opinionated on 2012-02-03, 20:03:52

If you don't your future hubby should. how mean can a bride be to try to exclude the mother of the groom?