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Question: Brides, would you remain friends after the wedding if your maid of honour......!!?

(Posted by: on 2012-02-02 06:35:02)

I had a best friend of 10 years that was such a lovely person but towards my wedding she turned cold, unsupportive and seemed deeply jealous of me. All these traits never showed up before and whats even harder to understand is that she had a beautiful wedding about a year before mine (I know for sure that she is happily married) that I supported very much. I made sure my family supported her too and we did a lot for her wedding. Shockingly, a few months before my wedding she turned unusually cold but because I had known her for so long I tried hard to ignore it. She offered to do so many things and because she had been my bestie and I wanted her to be as involved as possible so I let her take it all up. She promised me all was in order but 3 weeks before my wedding, at the last moment she coldly said she couldnt do it anymore without any explanation! She never showed up or returned my calls until 4 days before and to add salt to the wound she was the most detached and cold I have ever seen her all the years i have known her. She gave no gift and above all no support for my special day. The list goes on but I will save all that. She did all this when I needed her the most and now I am not sure she's a friend worth keeping. Now a month after the wedding she is trying to be nice and all close again but I’m too hurt to continue with the friendship. I will forgive her but things will never be the same again between us. Frankly I don't want to be besties anymore, maybe just very distant pals. Ladies what would you think and feel if you bestie did this?

Posted by: renee g on 2012-02-02, 06:48:49

I would be really really hurt and upset. It sounds like she was jealous but maybe she was afraid she would lose you. Consider telling her everything you just posted here. If she is a good friend, one worth keeping, she will be ashamed of what she did and will apologize. If she does not seem like she is interested in taking responsibility for her actions then maybe you shouldn't have someone in your life like that. You are completely reasonable in feeling the way you do, it's a hard thing to have someone so close hurt you so badly but keep an open heart. If you close it up, you will have a hard time letting anyone else in and a hard time trusting people in the future. You will be ok, sometimes these things happen. Take it slow. God bless.

Posted by: CHARLES on 2012-02-02, 06:38:39

Personaly...i wouldnt talk to her unless she started the convo...

Posted by: perfectvelvet on 2012-02-02, 06:48:59

I'd call her out on it. "Look, something happened to our friendship while I was planning my wedding. You were cold, distant, and rude to me. I don't know why, and I'd love to hear your explanation. " If she's supposed to be your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about it. After she gives you her explanation, if she does, you can choose to be friends again or tell her that you're hurt and need some time apart.

Posted by: Jenny Lynne on 2012-02-02, 07:05:40

She had reasons, what or why, who knows, perhaps her marriage is not as happy as you would think. I would (out of curiosity if nothing else) make plans to meet for lunch and ask her straight out why she acted as she did. If she denies or gives a flimsy excuse then it is up to you to determine the relationship. You can be what I call "pass and re-pass friends " without being best friends. I would not lose a friendship over it, just make it as you say a distant one. She may have had legit reasons or had problems with you getting married (jealous) or husband trouble. She may need to talk. I am ever the peace keeper and friends are friends (usually). Again, I would meet her at neutral place and flat out ask her and watch her face for her first response when you do ask. I would be pod, but would have asked her right when she started, to decrease any stress and to know if she was going along with being a good MOH or not. Her answer and actions would have made my decision easier to make and as I said before, I wouldn't have been able or want to have her in my wedding if she wasn't going to get herself together. A bride does not need extra stress, one chance and then bf or not, she would have been thrown out "on her ear " as the old saying goes if she wanted to keep "acting up ". One time, shame on you, second time, shame on me.

Posted by: sunny on 2012-02-02, 07:18:10

I think there's something underneath there,i would talk to her about it but if your uncomfortable than just cut it off. although after being friends for that long maybe i would be good just to talk and see if maybe there's something underneath.

Posted by: The Original GarnetGlitter on 2012-02-02, 07:21:32

Something happened involving your friendship or your wedding and you were too preoccupied with your upcoming wedding to notice...or something happened with her own personal life and it was not 'coldness' you saw but her emotionally shutting down in order to deal with whatever was going on...people do not suddenly switch close friendships on and off like lamps. Perhaps you became too demanding on her-a trait many brides show because they think since their wedding is the focus of their lives it must be the focus of others as well...and it ain't.....she may have run into money issues and found she has no more to give.....she may have been taking time away from her husband to give to you and he had enough of being placed second in her life.... Before you decide she was jealous, which she was NOT & I find it absurd that so many brides decide their friends are jealous of them when in fact, that is NOT the problem at all....if she truly was your best friend, then ASK what happened-do NOT ASSUME you know...her answer may surprise you. It may not be all her, dear....it may be YOU...or it may be a third party or a bad situation that had her preoccupied and she didn't want to rain on your parade....ask! If you do not ask her, then you were not as good a friend as you proclaim you were...good friends do NOT give up that easy when things get rocky.......since she's back to being her old self, what ever happened has either resolved itself or passed by and it could very well be YOU were too demanding of her without even realizing it and she tried to comply but her husband got pissed...and her loyalties belong with HIM.

Posted by: Common Sense on 2012-02-02, 08:34:54

I would call her out on how she behaved and how she treated you and I would absolutely refuse any answer other than the truth. She has some explaining to do and I would not move forward with this relationship in any way, shape or form until she comes clean with whatever was rubbing her the wrong way. A true friend is there during good times and bad times, when you need support and when you don't and a good friend gives unconditional support, not just when it suites her emotional needs. It really sounds as though she was just jealous. However, you will never know until you sit her down and actually have that awkward conversation. You need to ask her, point blank, what happened to her friendship while you were planning your wedding?

Posted by: Messykatt on 2012-02-02, 08:36:54

It seems to me that you may not yet know the difference between "adult " best friends and those from high school. You say that a few months before the wedding, she suddenly turned cold and you ignored it. This doesn't make sense to me. (Not saying you're the one at fault, I'm just elaborating on my point!). If someone is a best friend in an adult friendship, this isn't something you just ignore. She may have been having personal problems, for example. And if not, I'd want to get to the bottom of it. If her reasons were stupid or immature, at that point you had plenty of time to re-evaluate the friendship. Whether or not you remain close friends is up to you, but for close friendships I've had that dissolved, I always knew why, even if it was something as simple as drifting apart and moving away. It doesn't sound like that's what happened here, so if nothing else, I'd still want to understand it all.

Posted by: Snugglebug on 2012-02-02, 15:28:19

If my best friend did this I would ask myself what I did wrong to make her act that way? She wouldn't shut me out for no reason and being jealous wouldn't warrant a reaction like that from my best friend. To me this type of behaviour is a reaction due to an overbearing bride. I'm not saying you were but I've heard and seen plenty of bridesmaids who say they had to distance themselves from the bride because of the bride's behaviour. If a bride is a bridezilla then of course you can understand why a friend would be unsupportive - she is a friend, not a slave! If I couldn't figure out what I've done wrong and work on it then I would approach her and ask her if there's something that's bugging her - she is my best friend after all and I'd be concerned if she wasn't behaving like her normal self. Of course I'd be upset if she did behave that way but I know her well enough and love her to forgive her and understand she would have her reasons. She's going to be my MOH when I get married next year :-)