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Question: In need of relationship advice...?

(Posted by: wien.7777 on 2010-03-10 13:30:36)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. He’s my best friend and the only guy I’ve ever loved. When we first started dating, he won me over by doting on me and being very attentive with lots of phone calls, IMs, and e- mails, thoughtful little gifts, etc. Every time we were both online, he would be sure to send me an IM, even if he couldn’t talk, just to tell me he loved me. Now our relationship has stagnated a bit. He still treats me well but never IMs me or e- mails me, . We talk a couple of times a day and see each other a few times a week. Recently, we’ve been fighting about Instant Messenger. He works at a desk much of the day and is almost always signed on to his Instant Messenger. I guess I’m still stuck in our past and I always expect a sweet IM from him, but it never comes. I’ve talked to him about it and he always has an excuse. Every day, he gets on MySpace and God knows what else but can’t find the time to send me ONE IM (because that’s all I ask for, just so I can know he’s thinking about me). The thing is, I feel so strongly about this that we’ve fought about it the past several days. I’ll wait for him to send me a message and he never does, so I finally IM him, usually with a pouty message. Then we have an argument where he makes excuses and I accuse him of not caring. I push the issue and push the issue and it drives him nuts and stresses him out. We’re both miserable right now. I know I’m pushing him away, but I’m not having my needs met. He’s not living up to the standards HE created in the beginning of the relationship. I also keep demanding that he break up with me. I tell him I know I’m making him miserable and he should leave me. I don’t think it’s because I really want to break up. I just want him to chase me like he used to. I just want to feel WANTED. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have unreasonable expectations? I know I’m probably being self- destructive in the way I’m going about this. How do I get what I need without making him miserable? I love him so much, he’s an amazing guy, but I just don’t feel very loved or even wanted right now. The thing, I just.. I don't know, and I hate admitting this but I am ..so, terribly stubborn that I don't know if I can approach him to apologize. I kept on pushing him away, telling him in every way to break up and move on and today, I guess he did. He said, "fine, this is obviously what you've wanted this whole time, so I hope you're happy about it. I don't understand why you did this and I don't think I ever will. Just leave me alone, then. Goodbye. " This broke my heart. I had it coming. I brought it upon myself- I literally, quite literally drove him to those exact words. So I just.. let it end there? I just let him go? I know I've made a horrendous mistake, I just don't know how to put aside my ever- present pride and to make things right again. And well.. judging from what he wrote, I think it's too late anyway, isn't it? And despite all of it anyway, all of my .. obvious mind fuckery (I'll admit it, it wasn't fair).. he would have still stayed if he loved me, though, right? He would've tried to work it out, no? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have left. That's why.. even though I know it sounds so very wrong, I just don't know how to apologize.

Posted by: Jennabug<33 on 2010-03-10, 13:37:41

I think he could have sent you and IM every once in awhile, but was it worth ruining a relationship over? I understand wanting to be wanted, but you completely went the wrong way to get his attention. Usually in relationships, you start to get comfortable and you stop doing the little things, but you have something bigger, love. I know my boyfriend loves me more than anything, and I know he's not the type of person to be romantic like in the movies, and I accept him as he is and love him back, unconditionally. I think thats what you needed to do, accept who he was, and love him through his faults. Maybe just told him you missed when he did certain things rather than argued about it. And to answer the last question- even if he loved you more than anything, when somebody pushes you away you have no choice but to leave. For the sake of yourself and the other person.

Posted by: Fernando the Weird on 2010-03-10, 13:50:42

It sounds like he grew a little apathetic and you pushed him too far. If you feel really compelled to get him back your going to have to swallow your pride and just apologize to him and be sincere about it. Sometimes you just have to move on now it will the most pain but it will get better with time.Dont wreck yourself about this just relax and take life easy right now. Reflect on the relationship seeing what it did teach you. Maybe it wasn't meant to be and you two grew apart over the years. Someway to help the healing you will have to talk to him about.It may not be today , tomorrow , or this week but eventually just talk to him about. Listen to his side of view as well give him a chance to explain his frustrations and you voice yours as well. Good luck and stay calm and try not to dwell in the past too much. Try to have a good day.