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Question: Critical need of relationship advice!?

(Posted by: wien.7777 on 2010-03-09 19:55:27)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. He’s my best friend and the only guy I’ve ever loved. When we first started dating, he won me over by doting on me and being very attentive with lots of phone calls, IMs, and e- mails, thoughtful little gifts, etc. Every time we were both online, he would be sure to send me an IM, even if he couldn’t talk, just to tell me he loved me. Now our relationship has stagnated a bit. He still treats me well but never IMs me or e- mails me, . We talk a couple of times a day and see each other a few times a week. Recently, we’ve been fighting about Instant Messenger. He works at a desk much of the day and is almost always signed on to his Instant Messenger. I guess I’m still stuck in our past and I always expect a sweet IM from him, but it never comes. I’ve talked to him about it and he always has an excuse. Every day, he gets on MySpace and God knows what else but can’t find the time to send me ONE IM (because that’s all I ask for, just so I can know he’s thinking about me). The thing is, I feel so strongly about this that we’ve fought about it the past several days. I’ll wait for him to send me a message and he never does, so I finally IM him, usually with a pouty message. Then we have an argument where he makes excuses and I accuse him of not caring. I push the issue and push the issue and it drives him nuts and stresses him out. We’re both miserable right now. I know I’m pushing him away, but I’m not having my needs met. He’s not living up to the standards HE created in the beginning of the relationship. I also keep demanding that he break up with me. I tell him I know I’m making him miserable and he should leave me. I don’t think it’s because I really want to break up. I just want him to chase me like he used to. I just want to feel WANTED. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have unreasonable expectations? I know I’m probably being self- destructive in the way I’m going about this. How do I get what I need without making him miserable? I love him so much, he’s an amazing guy, but I just don’t feel very loved or even wanted right now. Everyone- thank you so much for your words and advice. I genuinely do appreciate it. The thing, I just.. I don't know, and I hate admitting this but I am ..so, terribly stubborn that I don't know if I can approach him to apologize. I kept on pushing him away, telling him in every way to break up and move on and today, I guess he did. He said, "fine, this is obviously what you've wanted this whole time, so I hope you're happy about it. I don't understand why you did this and I don't think I ever will. Just leave me alone, then. Goodbye. " This broke my heart. I had it coming. I brought it upon myself- I literally, quite literally drove him to those exact words. So I just.. let it end there? I just let him go? I know I've made a horrendous mistake, I just don't know how to put aside my ever- present pride and to make things right again. And well.. judging from what he wrote, I think it's too late anyway, isn't it?

Posted by: Bellaluna on 2010-03-09, 20:04:15

Honestly you can't expect him to be the same, after a while it gets tiring. It does sound ridiculous, at least to me. I am not trying to sound harsh but most guys dislike "clingy " girls, don't be like that. Give him some space (1-3 weeks). If he still keeps ignoring you I highly suggest you to break up with him, maybe he is just afraid of hurting you thats why he won't tell you. Also when you confront him about anything, PLEASE try not to whine or sound childish, just let him know you're concern, don't make it an argument. Best of luck.

Posted by: wizard of the East on 2010-03-09, 20:04:33

The spark is missing in the relationship, and the more the wood u try to pile up, it will never burn and make matters worse. Your expectations r reasonable and meagre, but your desperation is making the situation worse. If u really love him as u say u r, then understand that making desperate demands will have negative output, and the boy whom u love, u r making his life miserable. Give him time, give him space, don't force things to happen, bring spontaneity back into the relationship and ultimately u will get what u want, but avoid desperation.

Posted by: j c on 2010-03-09, 20:05:31

Not ridiculous expectations, nor unreasonable. However, you just gotta realize that while he was courting you, he HAS to do that. He HAS to set higher standards for himself so he can impress you. Plus, I would think that one IM to you would lead to a conversation. Which is much more troublesome than just sending someone a wall post or a message when they respond later. If hes busy, then hes busy. He can take what 5 minute breaks and check facebook, myspace, ect. But a conversation could take hours and constantly breaking his attention whenever you respond.

Posted by: madina on 2010-03-09, 20:06:40

Please let go of the freaking IM messages. He is a busy man at work, and he is making excuses to nicely tell you he is busy or doesn't send you messages because it is now EXPECTED of him. Just have a clear cut conversation with him, "Babe, you know how I have been bringing up the IM messages and how i used to love getting them, it really isn't about the IM messages. I feel like I am using them as an excuse because I don't feel the same attention and wanting from you like I did early on in the relationship. Can we make time to hang out more? " My rule is that the first 3 months of relationships are all mushy and flirty and that after that time it really counts, and you can see true character behind your partner because at first its just them trying to impress you. 3 months is a safe bet to know that what is real is now to come. But back to your issue, just find a good time when its not going to sound like an attack. We all want to feel loved and wanted, sometimes we just got to make time. 24 hours in a day, too many seconds to spare.

Posted by: Katelyn Marie on 2010-03-09, 20:08:34

Okay, you need to stop pushing the issue so much dear. I'm not going to say that you're being ridiculous, but I'm also not going to say that you're not. Things change with time. It's not always going to be like how it was in the beginning, trust me it's really not. Just because he doesn't send you sweet IMs anymore does not mean that he's not thinking about you. Instead of waiting for him to IM you and then getting all upset when he doesn't, just try something just a little bit different for a change. Wait a little bit for him to IM you, if he doesn't don't get upset, just IM him letting him know that you love him. Maybe he's just tired of being the one to let you know that he's thinking about you all the time. He might just want you to let him know that you're really thinking about him. Like I said, don't keep pushing the issue. Relationships are give and take. You have to make each other feel wanted, not just him making you feel the way. If you keep pushing you are going to push him away. If you've been together for this long and you really do love him, then that's something you really don't want to do.

Posted by: laidbak on 2010-03-09, 20:08:45

No your not being ridiculous every girl likes those little sweet things like sweet IM etc. But how long have you guys been going out? It happens to all relationships where just over time where we guys just stop doing that because we think it's getting old. I think you should just have a talk to your boyfriend on how you miss all thoses little things he used to do and im sure if he really cares he would do all those things again

Posted by: Best Buddy on 2010-03-09, 20:11:41

Hey...dear ,Why do you think he is not showing proper attention on you, you are arguing with him for IM's dude.ok why can't you take the initiative and send him messages,may be he will respond you in that manner,to say frankly dear....at first he used to send IM by himself (he felt by himself and used to send them to you),and now you are demanding him to send them,though he sends IM(it looks as you have asked him and he send them)Change is certain dear Even my partner is doing the same,before I used to get many calls ,messages,mails from him but now I found him busy with career ,I think to myself yah he is busy with his career and he is not giving the same time to someone else like some other girl...etc So why should I feel bad,I just framed a story that one guy is interested in me...also added points to that.when he heard this he at a time became serious....Ah...!there It was confirmed that he still loves me and is busy with work so only he didn't give proper attention.So dear please don't get angry and think how good he is to you. FRIEND HE SEEMS TO BE A GOOD PERSON .....WHEN YOU CAN FIGHT WITH HIM YOU MIGHT ALSO KNOW HOW TO PATCH UP THE SITUATION,TRUE LOVE COMES ONLY ONCE....IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ON THIS BLOG I WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED TO HIM ALSO,PLEASE DON'T MAKE SITUATION WORSE YAR,PLEASE COMPROMISE ...ALSO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER,LOVE U BOTH FRIENDS.