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Question: Help on relationship advice?

(Posted by: jason on 2010-03-04 18:08:07)

My Conscience is really killing me because my girlfriends son is making my life hell. I have tried everything under the sun to be buddy's with this guy and it seems he is bent on hate for me. About 7 months ago i resigned from my job as a manager ( Great job ) of a retail store, to be closer to my girlfriend because she basicly said she couldnt do the long distance thing anymore, and wanted to be with me. Her parents had recently brought her a nice house, so the thought of moving to my state was slim, so i moved in with her Sep 09. She has 2 sons, 13 and 15. The 13 year old is very intelligent, in all gifted classes with a intelligence level of probably a 18 year old. But he has alot of issues....He is extremely antisocial, has 0 friends, even teachers have talked to my girlfriend wondering why he is so antisocial with other kids. To make matters worse, well not worse for being this, Recently we found a lot of gay pornography on his laptop, and looked at the history of his internet use to find he daily visits multibile gay porn sites, man on man orgy stuff. Then about a week later, im on the family destop checking my email, and did a history search, and found that he had been searching " Being raped by stepdad " " My stepfather raped me " Things like this over the google search engine, and i called my girlfriend into the room, she calls him into the room. I confront him over this , he tells her it's a joke, and my girlfriend believes him. She thinks nothing of it, shes also in denial about him being gay, because he told her he was just looking at gay sites because he was trying to learn how to masterbate. This kid treats me like garbage, he ignores me all day, never speaks to me. The other day he came in from school and knocked on the door because he was locked out, i open the door for him and say " Hello how are you " , he just walked past me without speaking. He never talks to me unless i say something to him. Sometimes my girlfriend calls the house line to speak to me and he will lie and say he doesnt know where iam, once he did it when i was in the same room. Few weeks ago my tires misteriously lost all the air in 2 of em, inside the garage! And every time i talk to my girlfriend about this, she tells me she does not see a problem, tells me iam over reacting??? Yet whenever he is mad at me she takes his side every time. Once after i said something he said to me " What a dumb thing for you to say " I freaked out, and he said he said it because he didnt know what i was talking about...And she took his side, saying " he was just confused, thats why he said what you said was dumb ". She doesnt see a problem with him ignoring me, and has never talked to him about why he does it. Her other son has called me a ****** once, and gave me the finger another time, both times she only yelled at him. So iam here, unemployed and depressed , thinking about leaving , would you leave? being in my situation?

Posted by: Awake Sage & Author Omid Mankoo on 2010-03-07, 13:04:04

It is important for you to realize that you are a valuable human being. If you are not sure that you are a valuable human being, then other people's interactions or lack of interactions with you have the ability to effect your self-esteem negatively. Their behavior of ignoring you, is natural, since you are a stranger to them. you are with their mother, but you are a stranger to them. they do not know you. Just because you are involved with their mother does not make you automatically their dad, or any person of any authority over them.. Just realize that relationships cannot be forced. The pornography stuff on the computer is another matter, which So far it would seem logical your reaction to it, however you are interfering in their lives, interfering in very personal stuff. I understand that you gave up a lot to live there, and that you may be contributing to food etc. and so it would make sense for you to have some say about the household affairs. however from a relationship-wise perspective you are a stranger to the kids, and it will remain so until it changes. and requires you and them, and cannot be forced. you bringing to light what you found on the internet, could have been done privately, instead of openly, which only serves to show the kids that you are separate from them and possibly against them. so no matter what apologizing for that to the kids is very helpful. you may not be able to do so, if your pride is involved, since them ignoring you serves to make you feel less than. Your self-worth is not determined by something outside of yourself. regardless of how other people interact with you or not interact with you, derive your sense of self worth from within yourself. The moment you focus on the outside behavior that is wired (by the boys' behavior), you lose your perspective of your inner sense self. I should stop, I am, writing a book here. anyhow the book that I have written is helpful in information on sexual presentations that are manipulative. I would suggest being respectful to yourself, and others. who knows, maybe the kids have been abused, or are using the internet to get rid of you by setting you up, who knows. I would not give up my financial stability. I think that you have to be able to be financially stable, in case you or her split up for innumerable reasons, and you have two good reasons, which as you know are showing significant signs of trouble. book details and my personal website is here sagehope.wordpress.com

Posted by: Bemily on 2010-03-04, 18:16:00

Leave your girlfriend. ? this is like "the spy next door " movie. (Jackie Chans in it and is a character called BOB HO. he is a spy and quit just to win his girlfriends heart by being friendly with 3 kids. the 3 kids hate him)