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Question: In need of some relationship advice please.?

(Posted by: nobody on 2010-03-04 13:25:51)

I am seriously considering breaking things off with my boyfriend of 3 years. He's got himself in trouble with the law over marijuana. Originally he was offered a deferred prosecution program, but his case was sent back to the courts because he was "pissing dirty " and could not come up with the fees they wanted for his drug counseling. So now he is facing the original sentence, but from what we've heard from lawyers and the police officer that was at the scene of the crime he will most likely get probation. I feel as though he made a huge mistake by not taking TASC seriously. He could have avoided court all together if he had complied with the program and quit smoking when he was asked to. Now he is facing felony charges, which will prevent him from getting financial aid to go to college, and can result in probation or even time in jail or prison if he's unlucky. See I don't have a problem with people who smoke as long as it is done responsibly. I think he proved he can not be responsible with weed when he blew is chance at TASC because he did not want to deal with being sober. Should I stay with this guy if I feel like he may be an addict? I can't help but wonder if this will really be the last time he will go through this. Is it wrong for me to have a problem with him smoking now when I was ok with it in the past? He needs to get his life together, and I want to help him do that. Should I stay with him and try to steer him on the right path? Should I make him face his problems on his own? And most of all should I stay with him when I feel that he is making these bad life choices?

Posted by: Mike A on 2010-03-04, 15:10:18

When someone goes and continues to smoke weed when they know for a fact that they are going to be tested, they are exercising poor judgment. Yes, I do believe that responsible use of any substance is required, and that obviously he has a problem with willpower. Marijuana is a non-addictive substance, but there are cases when its actually needed. If your boyfriend has anxiety issues or some other reason that he needs to use it, he should strongly consider talking to a doctor. See if he can actually get issued a medical marijuana card. This is assuming of course that the state you live in actually issues them. From what it sounds like is that you are fed up with seeing him throw chances away time and time again. Now that he has potentially compromised the rest of his life, just because he couldn't put down the happy plant for a while. This shows a blatant disregard for consequences and also a lack of concern about his future. So what it sounds like is that you are now getting tired of a situation where you care more about his future than he does. You might have some guy who cannot get scholarships, who has to work some menial job sweeping floors and making fast food while you are busy getting your degree in college. If your fed up with his constant disregard for consequences, then yes, maybe its time to say goodbye. It might be tempting to deliver an ultimatum, with the hopes that he will shape up, but he has had plenty of chances. Maybe he might actually learn if he looses something he really cares about. And that is the best advice I can give

Posted by: Anna on 2010-03-04, 13:35:27

Sounds like you want to leave but you need someone to tell you it's okay so that you don't feel like you're abandoning him. It's okay for you to leave him. You want to help him but he doesn't seem like he wants to be helped and you know what, it's not your responsibility to "fix " him. He's an adult and should make him own decisions - sounds like the ones he's making now aren't of the best judgment. Leave him and focus on yourself. Sounds like your self esteem needs a little work - even just from the screen name you chose. You deserve happiness in your life and you do not need to become an accessory to anything he's involved with. From my experience, people only ask for other people's advice when they themselves have already made up their mind - they just need someone else to confirm what they already know. It's okay for you to leave. You are not responsible for your boyfriend and he should make his own good decisions. If he can't exercise good judgement, it's not your job to fix him. This sounds bad but "you can't cure stupid. " Take care of yourself and find a man that will be a positive influence in your life.