Marriage Advice Homepage

Question: I desperately need marriage advice (and, honestly, a little venting)?

(Posted by: XXeviloliveXX on 2012-01-13 06:48:56)

I’m very unhappy in my marriage and don’t know what to do. I have a 1 year old son. I really want to have 1 more child, but am afraid if I leave my husband, I won’t be able to do that because I’m 37 years old. The chances of me getting re- married again in time to have another child is pretty slim. I have REALLY been trying to make my marriage work, but I’m so unhappy. At the end of the work day, I always start getting anxiety symptoms, and I think it’s because I dread going home and being with my husband, because I’m always afraid I’m going to do something wrong and make him mad at me. He is often really rude and disrespectful to me, and verbally abusive (never physical). He calls me names, tells me I’m stupid, and talks to me really condescendingly. Before we married, I stressed to him that I wanted an equal partnership in marriage, and to share responsibilities equally too, since I would also be working. He totally agreed, but after we married, he told me he didn’t have to lie and pretend anymore, and that I have the vagina, he has the penis, therefore I do the household chores, and that he’s the man and I need to do what he says. I wish I had divorced then, but my family would have freaked because they are really religious and don’t believe in divorce, so I tried to make it work. My work day/ commute is from 7:30am until 6:30pm. My husband’s work day is from 10am to 5:30pm, yet I have to do all the household chores/ cooking/ errands, except for taking out the trash/ recycling and mowing the lawn. I always do what he says. The only thing I’ve deliberately not obeyed is when he wanted to have a threesome with another woman. But, sometimes he will tell me to do something, and I honestly forget to do it – it just slipped my mind, and I didn’t disobey on purpose. He’ll say, “you need to learn to listen to me and do what I f’n say�, and that bothers me so much and makes me feel so belittled. It makes me so angry. Would that make you angry, or do you think it is his right that I should obey him because he has authority over me, being the man? Does anyone have advice? I desperately want another child, and I know if I leave him now, I will never have another. I don’t know what to do…I used to think I would just stay with him until my children are grown (because I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home), but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to live like this, for that long. Am I being unreasonable with being upset at the way I’m treated? My Aunt told me I am, and that many women have it much worse than me, and I should just suck it up and learn to deal and stay with him. My mother is encouraging me also to just deal and not divorce, and that “maybe he’ll change�, and at least he doesn’t beat me….. I have seen a counselor by myself, but my husband refuses to go. Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer. My family will just be SO mad at me for divorcing...and my mom and aunt tell me that all men are like this, so there's no reason to divorce. I'm so tempted to believe them because ALL of my friends who are married are treated very similar by their husbands. Also, I've only have 5 relationships in my life (I tend to have very long relationships- many years), and ALL 5 of those men have treated me similar. I know I must just have tragic taste in men, and a knack for picking out men like that....but my friends husbands are so similar, and they even talk to their wives like that in front of other people. My husband never does in front of others, he always waits until it's just us two. Luckily, he doesn't do it anymore in front of our son, as I actually, for once, stood up to him about letting our son see him do that to me, but he won't just stop all together.

Posted by: jilllpilll on 2012-01-13, 06:53:49

You have a choice, you can stay if you want, but you need to think about what kind of Father you are choosing for your children. Do you really want your children to end up just like their Father? Where is your self respect? You are 37 years old. Get out of this abuse now

Posted by: ? on 2012-01-13, 06:57:40

I think you should both find a marriage councilor and talk to him/ her. This can sometimes help bridge the divide you're talking about. It seems to me that you've discussed this between yourselves, so a third person could definitely help in this situation.

Posted by: Dave Davis on 2012-01-13, 06:59:24

If this isn't a fake question then I feel sorry for you. You should have left him despite what your family would say about it. If they want to be in an abusive relationship with him then they should marry him when you kick him out of your life. Forget about having another kid for now. You need to focus on getting yourself to a happy place in your life far away from this jerk off. Once you are away from him and happy again then you will be in the right space to entertain the idea of meeting someone and possibly having a child with them. Don't stay in this relationship because you are 37 and don't think you'd have time to find someone else. Just think of your son and how he'll grow up to treat women if he's exposed to his fathers behavior much longer.

Posted by: Marissa Johnson on 2012-01-13, 07:00:19

Omg! this is exactly what im goin thru except i dnt work, im not allowed n he has control of evrythn. first things first get a voice recorder or hidden camera n get proof of what he says to u. that my dear is verbal abuse n mental n possibly emotional. make an appt w a lawyer during ur lunch or a phone appt where he wont know whats goin on n get ur facts. the biggest n hardest step is srving him w papers. if u fear for ur safety express this to the lawyer n file for a restraining order at the same time. as far as u obeying him on everything claim hes kept u under duress by continyally belittling u n verbally abusing u. its verbal abuse now but it will turn into sumthn uglier. leave him for the sake of ur child. u can always adopt. good luck. email me if u want to vent ever. much love headed ur way :-)

Posted by: Monique Jones on 2012-01-13, 07:00:50

What you are going thru is not normal leave leave leave. You dont sound stable enough to have another child so that should be the last thing on your mind! Before its over with he will be beating you, and if he asked you to have a threesome he has no respect for your marriage. Your mother and aunt are stupid for telling you to stay as well. People get divorced everyday and thats your best bet!

Posted by: himynameisshannon on 2012-01-13, 07:05:54

Heyya, i know this desicion is hard because you want another child, but for both you and the sake of your child, leave. seriously. verbal abusiveness is just as bad if not worse than physical. my mums married to a guy that is unbelievably verbally abusive and a total ass. hes an alchoholic, and a f-cking horrible control freak person. me being the child, had to grow up with him abusing me. hes never hurt my mum, but hes hurt me. and your husband could do that too. how would you feel if he started hurting your child? bullies often will pick on someone smaller than them. as i grew older we HATE eachother [im 16 now] and he completly ruined my childhood. he wont even look at me and definatly wont touch me because he knows im strong for a 16 year small girl. so please think of that. most of the time people dont change and please dont put up with the verbal abusiveness. because it could very well change to physical on you or your child when he gets older. your aunt and mum are wrong. they probably dont understand about it because they dont have it. sure, some people do have it worse than you but does that make it right? no. i understand your concerns for your child, but i dont live with my dad nor ever met him and that was best. i just wish my mum didnt carry on and marry another looser. id much rather live in a 'broken home' than an abusive one. your husband is an abusive control freak, please realise this is NOT okay. Of course you shouldnt obey him, your not his dog.Your a human being and probably a much better one than him. If you want another child, surely there are a few other options than staying with him? you could adopt, you could go to a sperm donor? i hope my input has helped :] -shannon

Posted by: Felix on 2012-01-13, 07:06:58

Divorce and adopt a child. Ur a strong women dnt let him tlk down to u. The only reason y he is tlking down to u bcuz he's cheating on u already. If I was a lil older I wud find him beat his ass take U and ur son into my arms and marry u all in one day.

Posted by: Blooming Lilly on 2012-01-13, 07:11:44

I don't know what religion and morals you have, but it sounds like you're letting everyone decide how you live your life and you're the one in it! And then you are so determined to have another child, you're concern is your age, not being able to find someone else @ your age, raising your child/ children in a broken home, and crying about how this husband of yours treats you! You sound very confused.......it's either you're going to stay with him, let him continue treating you that way until 1 day you can't take it anymore, have another child with him even though he controls you and will continue controlling you because that's the kind of man he is.......???????? "Or " leave him and rebuild your life and self esteem! Hey! Be happy you @ least have 1 child, oppose to not being able to have any! What do yo7 want to do for you?? Remember! You are living in your world.....not your aunt and not your mom!!! You're a grown woman you can make up your own mind and live your own life! Stop living your life for everyone else.....that's your problem! And another thing.....you need to learn how to love yourself because if you did, that husband of yours would not be treating you that way by no means! A man should respect a woman and vice versa! Open your eyes and stop being a victim in your own marriage as alot of women have become because of low self esteem and no empowerment whatsoever!

Posted by: Bonnie L on 2012-01-13, 07:15:15

OMG, i won't go into long explanations but listen to yourself? Your second guessing what you already know the answer to , your husband married you under false pretense , if he ever loved you at all he would not have trapped you the way he is , you need to be strong , you should have gotten out as soon as he admitted that he lied to you to get you to marry him ..NO NO NO YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY WITH THIS MAN , and i promise you this if you do you will be writing to some other venue asking someone , hey im now 65 and my husband ..blaw blaw blaw. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE GOD trust me your still young , very young , and many men are out there looking for good wives , but that aside THINK OF YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY , GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE .....AND don't even think of having another baby unless your happily married to someone else I am so sorry you've put yourself in this mess but im so happy you are still young enough to have a happy rest of your life . get rid of the bum , he never loved you anyway. It wont be easy for awhile but you'll be so happy after its over . please get out.now

Posted by: Max Molyneux on 2012-01-13, 07:21:24

Listen to your aunt and mother, and cry on their shoulders when you need to. Get a small notepad to write things down to help you remember what you need to do. If you need to see a psychiatrist to get some anti-anxiety medicine, do that. Try everything (except the threesome) in the bedroom to keep him satisfied. Continue to show love toward him even when he is unkind. Take the high road. Stay with your husband.

Posted by: sightseer on 2012-01-13, 09:03:27

Solve the one problem first - either continue to put up with him or not. Put up with his controlling or leave. Then when you have chosen that path, you can work on the 2nd issue - having another kid. The 2 are not necessarily linked.