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Question: Regret committing to a relationship... advice?

(Posted by: CitizenErased. on 2011-12-20 09:47:08)

So for the past serval months ive been trying to recover from a messy break up with my first love. nothing seemed to be making me feel better, and in a desperate attempted to get over him i agreed to give my best friends s chance and try being in a relationship with him. i'm already regretting it. i thought he would make me feel better and instead i just keep comparing everything to my ex and have this horrible feeling of guilt hanging over me because i know i'm no way near as committed as he is and i really dont think im ready for for another relationship... i really don't know what to do. people say i should give it time and give him more of a chance but i just feel like its doomed to fail if my heart was never in it in the first place? any advice would be greatly appreicated!

Posted by: Pearl on 2011-12-20, 09:49:36

You're not committed. Marriage is commitment. If you're not happy in a relationship, dont stay in it. Screw what everyone else says you "should " do.

Posted by: dynastronii on 2011-12-20, 09:50:18

It is indeed doomed. The poor fellow whose heart you are toying with deserves better. Release him from your unappreciative grip.

Posted by: pigeonmilk on 2011-12-20, 09:50:32

I think it's unfair to keep him believing that the relationship is going somewhere. Be on your own for a little while.

Posted by: KJ III on 2011-12-20, 09:50:50

Jumping into another relationship, to make yourself feel better is like taking 5 shots of Tequila, to get rid of the hangover in the morning. oh wait, that could work.

Posted by: Janet W on 2011-12-20, 09:51:29

Why are you asking this in marriage and divorce/

Posted by: EF YEAH on 2011-12-20, 09:51:31

1. You weren't ready, so end it now. It may be messy and feelings will be hurt, but you can't do this to the guy. You need to stop it. 2. Quit playing the compare game with every other dude that comes your way. No one will be like your ex, true, but that's how women sabotage every relationship after, too. You need to not compare every guy to your ex, because none of them will come close, and you need to open your mind to different possibilities. 3. Stay alone for a while. Jumping from guy to guy is not a good idea for you. You need to heal on your own terms, and a guy will not help you do that. Don't think that replacing him for someone else will ease the pain, as you are learning now. 4. Just chalk it up to a mistake and move on, but not with someone else. Time heals all if you let it, and you need it. Take up a new hobby or something. You need time to fall out of love and heal. Then you'll be ready to take on something, or someone, new. Good luck :)

Posted by: Ebony~Eyez on 2011-12-20, 09:51:38

If your heart isn't in it then tell him that you need some space, cause it isn't fair for him if your heart isn't in it. Do what you feel is best, however, breaking up w/ him for a moment would be the right thing for both of y'all.

Posted by: Pocket Protecktor on 2011-12-20, 09:51:41

Just be politely honest and tell him you decided it is too soon to commit to a new one, and that you'd like to back off a bit, you need some space and time to feel better, you're not comfortable with seriousness at this point, I'll let you know if I change my mind, it's nothing about you, I'm just not solid emotionally right now, you understand, don't you? And if he doesn't get the clue, tell him you're gay.

Posted by: Loki on 2011-12-20, 09:52:24

You just aren't ready to be in a serious relationship yet. There is nothing wrong with that, just be honest with the guy you are seeing, take a step back and spend some time alone or just dating. The people who say give him more of a chance are just wrong, stringing him along hoping you start enjoying it while knowing there is basically no chance you will is not fair to him or you.

Posted by: everready on 2011-12-20, 09:53:02

First, tell him . he is the rebound relationship. this isn't fair to him. second, go off by your self if you can over the holidays to clear your emotional garbage. when you get back, see if you want to be with your friend or not. if not, stay free of a relationship until one develops naturally.

Posted by: CindyLu on 2011-12-20, 09:53:05

What you are doing is unfair to both of you. You tried to get over one relationship by jumping into another and this was a huge mistake. The only bigger mistake you can make is to stay in this relationship. You are not interested in this man, you just want to escape the pain and the natural healing process that comes after a bad break up. To stay in this relationship feeling as you state here, is extremely unfair to this new man and will be very painfull for him should he realize just why you really are with him. Spare you and him a lot more heartache and break up with him ASAP. Then do not try to ease your pain with a new "love ". To really heal and be ready for a new relationship, you must go through the process of getting over the last reltionship. There really are no short cuts, to truely heal, you must first go through the fire.

Posted by: happywjc on 2011-12-20, 09:53:48

Just 'tell him straight-up! his feelings may be hurt for a lil while, but it'll pass! U may or may not be able to remain 'just friends'! But, don't lead him on!

Posted by: []v[]ommy on 2011-12-20, 09:54:03

It would be wrong to stay with the new guy just to fill the void you feel, you should've never got him in the first place so soon after a failed r/ ship. it's only fair that you tell him the truth and end things now before he falls too much. you didn't like him enough in the first place and you won't ever otherwise you wouldn't be comparing the two.. the r/ ship you have now is not based in genuine feelings so it'll never work out to the fullest

Posted by: Chris on 2011-12-20, 09:54:07

He won't mind if you use him for sex

Posted by: Wisen Smart on 2011-12-20, 09:55:32

You should not use other people's feelings as aspirin for your pain. Is it so terrible and horrifying to be without a relationship? The best thing you can do is be without one for at least 12 months after you tell this poor soul he was only a shoulder o lean on.

Posted by: rick on 2011-12-20, 09:55:36

Time alone without any baggage is what you need. I devorced back in 08 and took long time to recover. Get over it? No.. Not for a long time.. If ever. Bad time to start new one. Friends you need... Go to them. Not yet ready for replacement.

Posted by: KLR650 on 2011-12-20, 09:55:43

I'll bet that it was your 'best guy friend' that caused your earlier relationship to fail. Learn from that. You can't have 2 men and consider yourself commited to anyone.

Posted by: Maxi on 2011-12-20, 09:55:47

To get over any relationship you need time and to be ON YOUR OWN, or all you do is go onto hthe next on a rebound and no one wants to be part of a rebound.................... Finish it asap, you need time and space so you can get your head and emotions organised, then you can decide what you want and who you want if anyone.........................

Posted by: Suzanne lily of the valley on 2011-12-20, 09:57:00

Sweetheart, my advice to you is to gently explain how you feel and then end it. Your conscious is there for a purpose - to get you to listen to it. Yes it is horrible when someone feels more than we do for them, but ultimately it is cruel to let them think something that is not real. So the end result is to end the relationship before he gets so involved that it will hurt doubly turning him down. At the end of the day, sweetie, your friends are not in the relationship - it is you, so listen to your inner voice.

Posted by: kim h on 2011-12-20, 10:12:45

You tell him the truth. It is not making you feel better but worse and it is not what you want right now.