"What
I Learned From My
Clients This Week"
© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved
http://www.WhatWorksForCouples.com
==========================================================
Some of the best lessons come directly from the counseling office.
Here's some of the wisdom my clients are sending you this week:
Don't Do These Things:
1. Don't confuse withholding important feelings or thoughts with being
supportive of your partner.
Yes, our partners need our support when they are starting new jobs or
businesses, going through illness, or making decisions about how to
relate to extended family members. And yes, we need to learn not to be
overly critical or judgemental at such times.
However, being "supportive" of something we fundamentally disagree
with, for months at a time, is a sure way to disrupt the emotional
intimacy in the relationship.
Learn to know the difference between critical comments that need not be
voiced and fundamental disagreements that a couple must work out.
2. Don't go outside the relationship to a person of opposite gender for
emotional support. I have seen SO MANY people slide into affairs that
began as just supportive friendships.
At the worst, a physical or emotional affair can occur, creating wounds
that can last for years. At the least, you are taking the emotional
energy needed inside the relationship to an outside relationship.
3. Don't assume that step-parents can be "real" parents. Occasionally,
this can work, but there are far more failures than successes. The kids
know who is the real parent, and your ideas of creating the ideal
family may not work very well.
A much better metaphor for the step-parent is that of living as
"respectful room mates." The step-parent is still an adult who can be
given parenting responsibilities by the biological parent, but doesn't
try to initiate policy with the kids.
Once a couple gets such an understanding rolling it seems to cut down
on arguments about how to raise the kids. One less thing to disagree
about!
4. Don't take your spouse for granted during mid-life.
Here's a typical scenerio. A couple has been together for years. One
partner is settling in, thinking that everything is normalized and
decided, and is expecting many more years of the same thing.
Who
is
Steve
Roberts?
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
At the same time, the other partner is approaching the whole mid-life
crisis thing, feeling more uncomfortable as time goes on. A crisis of
some kind brings the couple to my office and we have a lot of work to
do!
5. Don't marry a person with serious personality problems and expect
them to change later on.
What you see is what you get. The more entrenched the personality
quirks are, the less they will change.
Don't set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Love the person
as they are, or don't marry!
Here's What To DO:
1. Do consider yourselves a TEAM. The team considers the needs of the
two individuals, as well as, the needs of the couple as a whole.
It is not a competition, but a well-working team that can function as a
unit for the good of both persons.
Who
is
Steve
Roberts?
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
2. Do hang in there when your relationship gets in trouble. Get a
counselor. Talk about it. Negotiate. Learn how to handle troubles in
this relationship now. Hopefully, it will save this relationship, but
if it doesn't, you will know what to do in the next one.
Who
is
Steve
Roberts?
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
3. Do take responsibility for being the biological parent when in a
step-family. It will be easier on you and your relationship if you are
clearly the parental authority and the step-parent acts only from the
authority you clearly assign to him or her.
4. Do learn to set yourself and your feelings aside when you've really
made mistakes in the relationship. You need to be able to comfort and
listen to your partner with all of your emotional resources present.
When you've made a big mistake it is normal to feel guilt, shame,
remorse, and self-pity. You need to learn to not wallow in these
feelings when your partner is feeling the effects of your mistake.
Otherwise, the mistake will be creating even worse damage.
5. Do decide to make your relationship WORK no matter what. Have no
reservations, no "outs," and no exceptions. Decide now.
This won't guarantee that your relationship will make it, but at least
you will know that you gave it every chance to work.
These are the lessons I received from my clients this week. They are
hard won truths that they have been forced to learn with some degree of
struggle. My desire is that their difficulties will allow you to learn
them a bit easier.
Who
is
Steve
Roberts?
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
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+ + +
Trying to
Save Your
Marriage?
You don't have
time to waste!
Here's the precise
steps to take
right now to keep your spouse
from bolting out
of the marriage:
Click
on the image
or the link below:
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