These are legitimate critiques that I didn’t originally speak
about.
One of the reasons I didn’t mention them is because the
incidence of
these experiences is much less frequent than these men think. We tend
to judge the world on the basis of our own experience. We think that
since we’ve experienced it in a particular way that it is
fairly
common. Sometimes, this is true, but not always.
1. So,what is going on when a woman, married or in a serious
relationship, has sexual encounters
with many men (or even women)? One
man stated he learned a little at a time that his wife had
“made it”
with almost everyone he knew.
Most often we might want to call it poor morals, anger and revenge, or
just an insatiable sexual desire. While there is some truth here, I
would turn to the fairly obvious obsessive-compulsiveness exhibited.
There is some kind of mental issue going on.
We might well speak of it as a
relationship or sexual addiction. An
addiction is a form of compulsion that leads one to do something
repeatedly that is quite injurious to the self or others. Most often in
these cases the woman is receiving some kind of brief experience of
wholeness, completeness or sense of total love. In reality, it is a
behavior of unconsciously escaping from the void or emptiness she
experiences inside. The experience is one of fantasy thatends in pain.
So, is it just poor morals, or a compulsive, addictive pattern that
needs to be addressed?
... I lean toward the latter. 2.
When a man repeatedly finds
himself in relationships
to women who cheat on him, it usually does not mean that
all women cheat. It usually means that he is unconsciously attracted to
women who will cheat.
How can this be? We have many theories, but no actual proof as to why
these patterns repeat. However, we see it all the time. People go from
relationship to relationship, each time thinking the partner is quite
different from the last, but finding in the end that there are some
curious similarities.
The way I see it is that we are almost always attracted to the same
personality pattern. But if we continue to grow personally, we tend to
pick a healthier version of it each time. That’s the hope for
the
future, not that we will change the pattern that we are attracted to,
but that we will be attracted to a healthier version of it.
Does this cover all the possibilities of women cheating? Certainly not.
Everyone is an individual, and every relationship has its own
individuality. There will be as many different stories as there are
people. However, if we stick to the main tenants of respect, fidelity,
emotional intimacy, and commitment, we will find the odds are greatly
in our favor of having a successful relationship.
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
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