Why do women cheat? Because of emotional needs not met and the hurt
that accompanies this lack. Is it sometimes just physical lust?
Occasionally, but I do not see much of this.
Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs or
are susceptible to advances. Women who are in an unsatisfactory
relationship may feel even lonelier than if they were still single. A
partner who is over involved with his work or hobby may severely limit
the attention and admiration he gives to his mate.
She then feels unattractive, uncared for, and hopeless about getting
her needs met. While this is a reason for working harder on the
relationship, not seeking relief from another man, it is easy to
understand the pain that makes the whole thing possible.
And then there is Revenge. I am
seeing much more of this as a motive in
recent years. Today's woman is not willing to just sit still and "take
it." Unfortunately, the "eye for an eye" approach has become more
acceptable and a woman who feels betrayed and rejected may well return
the favor.
Sometimes a woman needs only to
hold a
suspicion that her partner is cheating to be susceptible. She may have
painful memories from other, earlier relationships in her life, and she
may have an expectation of being hurt in this one, as well. This is
where a "self fulfilling prophecy" can take over and create pain for
everyone.
One reason for a woman's affair is similar to one for men: boredom. An
unsatisfying, dull, and predictable relationship that is not growing in
depth can make the excitement of a new relationship very attractive.
The affair is not only exciting due to the new person involved, but
also to the whole experience of sneaking around and hiding it. This can
be a huge adrenaline rush. It's not saying it too strongly to say that
it can even be mildly addictive. Women who have multiple affairs may be
experiencing this kind of stimulus.
Underlying all these reasons for cheating is a poor sense of
self-esteem. We all need an adequate amount of affection and admiration
from our partners. One way or another this attention falters at times
and the person can become insecure and start looking for the attention
is other places.
Women can especially have this problem since our culture puts so much
emphasis on physical beauty, sex appeal, and the ability to attract
men. The truly secure woman knows that her value rests not in these
attributes but in her depth of character, her spiritual self, and in
her self-reliance.
Unfortunately, there is very little in our culture to encourage this
self awareness and many women unconsciously find their worth in the
attention they receive from the men in their lives. And, when it is not
coming from their partner they are susceptible to receiving it from
other men.
Few would say that any of these reasons for cheating are justifiable.
Whether it is boredom, self-esteem, revenge, or the pain that
relationships often bring, the answer is to go to work on the
relationship, not to have an affair. We can understand the motivations
for affairs, but we still know that they are harmful and someone
usually gets hurt badly.
So, what are we to do about all of this? Stay tuned. In the next
article we'll spell it out!
Steve
Roberts, "The Couples Guy," is an
experienced
Marriage and
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship
secrets from over 20 years of
practice.
For the past 14 years he has been the Director of Counseling for
Centered Life
(previously named: Samaritan Counseling & Education Center)
in Colorado Springs,
CO.
Married 31 years to Pam, his partner
in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple
experience.
------------------------------------------- Legal
Information
